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Mother's Secret
Common sense, and eventually our own experience,
tell us that even when we have become adults our
parents are probably still having sex. Yet it
remains uncomfortable to confront; on the whole
we prefer not to think about it. That was
certainly true in my case - until the day I came
upon the clearest possible evidence of my
mother’s very active sexual existence, and not
only with my father. The evidence was in her own
words. Fortunately, I believe, I didn’t make the
discovery until after her death,
If I told you my mother’s name you might
recognise her as a highly respected writer, the
author of a series of biographies of women
famous in the arts - Jane Austen, Isadora
Duncan, Clara Schumann, Emily Bronte among
others. The books were critically acclaimed but
hardly lucrative. However, under another name my
mother wrote novels which almost always made the
best-seller lists, To describe them as erotic
fiction would be an exaggeration but her
heroines were never virgins, at least not by the
end of the book. I did suggest to her once that
some of her writing must surely have been based
on personal experience, but she merely smiled
without replying. Neither before nor after I met
my husband did she discuss sex with me. I was no
innocent when I married but what I knew had not
been learned at my mother’s knee.
Her death at the age of sixty-two, which was
sudden and unexpected, left me curiously
unmoved. I mourned, of course, but out of
respect and gratitude rather than any deeper
feeling. My father, twenty years her senior, was
in a care home where he needed round-the-clock
attention. As the only child, I was both the
main beneficiary of her will, and, with the
family solicitor, an executor, too. Writers
accumulate a great deal of paper: manuscripts,
notebooks and letters in addition to the mundane
documents of any household. The solicitor had a
practice to tend, which meant that I was left to
sort what should be preserved, what destroyed.
I had been working my way through a particularly
untidy filing cabinet when I came across the
diaries. Not knowing that she had kept any kind
of daily record, I opened one at random and
read:
22nd Monday. The hotel. Still can’t believe K
and I can walk in at three pm as tho’ we’re a
married couple. Keep expecting polite word from
the manager. Fucked nearly all afternoon, only
brief rests. K at his cleverest, both ways.
Meant to count my o’s but forgot so must have
been v special. P wanted full details when I
returned and was v aroused so came quickly and
copiously in my mouth.
Was I surprised? Shocked? Disgusted? I can no
longer remember. But now, more than two years
after the original impact, I believe I have my
thoughts in some kind of order. After long
consideration, I decided it was important not to
be judgemental. By the time I had read
everything, I knew that no one had been hurt, no
one had been coerced. Everyone, including my
father - referred to throughout simply as P -
had consented, by inference enthusiastically.
Indeed, my only conclusion was that everyone had
found the encounters highly erotic and intensely
satisfying. Unorthodox, certainly, but who
really knows the private thoughts and actions of
others’ lives? Were my parents so extraordinary
or are there many others who savour the delights
of unconventional coupling? Tantalisingly, she
does not record how they came to this way of
life. The journals are simply a record of what
happened, who did what to whom and how.
My one dilemma was what to do with the diaries;
there were ten in all, closely written in
hard-backed notebooks. They dealt only with
sexual matters over a period of more than twenty
years, although there were many gaps. Had my
mother been an anonymous
housewife, I would have burned them. But she
was a famous author. Perhaps posterity has a
right to know. Today they may still be shocking
to some minds, but attitudes change and who can
say what view future generations may hold?
For the moment all ten volumes are locked away
in a bank strong box. I have decided to publish
a selection of extracts here to test reaction. I
hope that anyone who reads them will let me have
their opinion before I make the final decision.
Clearly, my mother was keeping the diaries out
of some personal compulsion. They are written in
little more than extended note form, far removed
from the fluent style of her books. I have my
own theories - and in some cases certainties -
about the identity of several of the others,
male and female, who feature. Some are still
alive so it would be unthinkable to identify
anyone. However, where I have felt it necessary,
I have added a note for clarification.
In contrast to the restraint of her published
work, my mother’s vocabulary in the diaries is
basic and explicit. There is some evidence that
this was reciprocated - or perhaps requested -
by many of the men and women with whom she
became involved, It seems probable, too, that
there was an element of self-stimulation.
Her frequent use of abbreviation can be
confusing but, having become familiar with all
ten volumes, I can offer the following guide:
a - arse ah - arsehole b - bottom c - cock or
cunt, depending on context cl - clitoris d -
dick f - fuck mb - masturbate mbn - masturbation
o - oral p - penis, prick ts - tits v - vagina
************************
Thursday 8th. Grouchy mood. Curse, day 4 - L
says he doesn’t mind but I do. Too messy. Clear
anyway by week-end with L. [L was a solicitor
mother met through her agent; their relationship
was sexual, not professional] Snapped at P, then
apologised, curse is the problem. P suggested mb.
He watched me then did himself, used my knickers
to come. My o not v good but less tense
afterward.
Sat 10th. With L to Bond St for lingerie.
Special upper room for exclusive items. Chose
two matching bra-knicker sets in black and
ivory. L insisted French knickers, also bought
peep-hole bra and crotchless ks. Wore these
leaving shop. Afternoon fucking at hotel, quick
and vigorous after week’s abstinence. Big o’s
for both. Slept then long o session before bath.
Evening to blue movie cinema - L a member - but
not v enjoyable. Sat back row but pestered by
men trying to grope my ts. One on his knees to
see up my skirt, saying Give us a show, darling.
Soon left, expensive dinner, then back to hotel.
L’s hand up my skirt in taxi and again under
table in bar. More of same in lift and corridor
until back in room threw off clothes and had
best f for ages, c v wet, L’s p hard for amazing
time. He says afternoon f gives him total
control later. Huge o. Leisurely f in morning
then home to show P new undies and relate dirty
details while P attended to himself.
[These are the two earliest entries. They begin
so abruptly, as though continuing an earlier
account, it is impossible not to think there may
have been one or more earlier diaries I haven’t
found. Lost? Destroyed? I simply don’t know.]
Friday 14th. Dear P gives blessing to L’s party
plan, knowing my pleasure in occasional group
sessions. Show appreciation by giving him
lollipop, blouse open so last second withdrawal
lets him squirt on my ts. [Lollipop seems to
have been their pet term for fellatio -
obviously a great favourite of my father’s.]
Saturday 15th. Party at big house in Surrey.
Nine couples, many masked tho I recognise two
MPs and wives plus TV newsreader with husband.
Three rooms in use, large drawing room
downstairs with porn video on TV plus two
bedrooms. Agree with L to go separate ways but
meet for f later. Just one couple fucking
downstairs. watched by two men stroking stiff cs.
Decline invitation to join because upstairs more
women than men. Soon lucky as young blonde
disengages from male partner, opens arms to me.
We kiss, lots of tongue. She says, Sit on me.
Straddle her face, hold lips open for her tongue
to probe already wet c. I lift slightly, she
licks slowly from b to cl, back and forth then
just on cl. Feel o coming, press down as she
slips finger in my ah and I explode. Return
compliment kneeling between blonde’s thighs and
am myself taken from behind. About a dozen
strokes, hard, with grunting, more would be good
but he departs seeking another open c. Plenty to
be seen. Move aside to let MP’s wife finish off
young blonde while she sucks his c. In next
bedroom find L and another man taking turns with
voluptuous woman in state of high arousal. L
fucks while his partner slides his d between
woman’s heaving ts, then they change over. She
asks for more until suddenly her o arrives; a
great cry, long body spasms, gasping. L and I go
downstairs, four couples are daisy chaining. We
watch while I fondle his p, he fingers me. We
fuck then separate again, me for more delicious
taste of another woman’s c. Home at two a.m.
sore, exhausted, v satisfied. P asleep but will
want details tomorrow.
[The liaison with L lasted for more than two
years during which there were many parties and
much bisexual pleasure for my mother. The
diaries do not reveal how or why she and L
parted.
In the next extracts F is Florence, the family
housemaid who eventually left to join her son
and daughter-in-law in Australia. She died last
year and so can be safely named.]
Tuesday 2nd. P broke the news last night that
for the last few weeks he has been fucking F.
Started while I was on lecture tour. P, deprived
of lollipops, felt horny, propositioned F, she
said yes. Pleased for him - v generous over my
adventures, so why not? P says F v responsive,
probably deprived at home, but worried about me.
He told her no problem, would she like me to
watch. F horrified but now P v taken with the
idea; says F knows I always work from eight to
noon, couldn’t we contrive secret watch one
morning. We cook up plan.
Thursday 4th. Success! Nine-thirty, as planned,
creep, stockinged feet, from my study. P has
left kitchen door ajar. I have good view of
action already started. F leans on work table,
skirt raised, white knickers, tight over
surprisingly small b. P caresses, fondles,
feels. F widens legs, P fingers between. She
speaks but I hear only some words: nice and wet
... like last week ... need this. P removes
knickers, drops trousers revealing good
erection. Stroking with one hand, kneels and
licks - her ah, I think, then turns, slides
seated on backside to get position to tongue her
c. F moans loudly, says she wants to f. P starts
doggie method, firm grip on hips, long, deep
thrusts, not too fast, keeping control. F turns
on her back, they have cushions for her b.
Glimpse black pubic triangle until P steps in
and eases into her. She squeals, locks legs
round his back, bucks eagerly. P slows her down.
Make it last, I hear him say. This small woman,
fifty plus, is giving him thrilling ride. I
sense climax near, creep away. Back in study,
unexpectedly aroused, mbn essential. P, having
finished off F, disappointed to join me too late
to see me o. Agree experiment worth repeating.
[The diaries make only passing reference to how
the situation developed. Mother records that
father remained keen for Florence to include her
in a threesome, at least to watch if not
participate. Whether this ever came to fruition
the diaries do not reveal.
The following extracts jump forward to the
penultimate volume when father’s illness was
having a serious effect on his potency; at the
same time mother’s sexual appetite was
undiminished. I have been unable to identify
either the man, J, or the woman, S, but together
they undoubtedly enriched mother’s life greatly.
Introduced at a party, they seem to have
exercised an immediate influence on her. Mother
had already been several times to the couple’s
penthouse apartment before the following
extracts which give the clearest account of the
relationship.]
Sunday 30th. Bleak week ahead until - hopefully
- next J and S session. Determined to be
resolute.
Monday 31st. No word from J and S means Saturday
still all right.
Tuesday 1st. Poor P asked for lollipop but could
not respond despite lengthy attempt.
Thursday 3rd. Most difficult day so far for
abstinence. Woke with my hand on c, mbn v
desirable but managed to refrain as promised to
J and S. Only forty-eight hours now.
Friday 4th. Tried to explain J and S to P but he
finds concentration difficult. Almost permanent
ache in v area, wet and cl sometimes erect.
Tomorrow ...
Sunday 6th. J and S more brilliant than ever.
Noon at penthouse. Cocktail dress, black
underwear as required (memories of L so long
ago). S outlines scenario: will not deal with me
until five p.m. S and J will carry on as per. I
can watch but no touching, them or myself, or I
can leave. But if I obey as told until five -
then ...
Soon S begins strip for J. Pale green - bra, s
belt, knickers, stockings, v high heels. J asks
if wet, S shakes head. J feels, lingers. S says
Please, lays across J’s lap. Long period
stroking, moulding S’s a, sometimes inside
knickers. Spanking begins, irregular slaps, open
palm. S moaning, aroused.
Finally, J releases S, she sits beside him on
sofa, extracts his c, strokes it slowly, licks
tip then takes in mouth. J so big S can take
only half length, sucks voraciously. Rewarded
with more spanking, followed by rest and drinks,
excellent white wine brought by young brunette v
like S. Daughter? Anyway unperturbed by S in
underwear.
S wants to f. J undresses before removing S’s
knickers, turns her deliberately exposing shaven
c for me to see, bends her over to reveal small
pink ah. S stands, turns back to J on sofa and
manipulates his huge P into her with ease. Must
be v wet now. J unclasps bra to show S’s firm ts
and upstanding black button nipples. He reaches
round squeezes, hurts slightly. She begins
riding, just keeping p inside before slow
descent. S and J watching me closely for
reaction. Badly need touch myself but do not. S
keeps J inside, reaches deep internal o with two
fingers on cl. J withdraws, still erect.
More wine. S asks my most erotic memory. Tell
them P with F on kitchen table. Maybe not most
erotic but J strokes c, S teases nipples while
listening. They f again, S on knees on rug, on
back, then astride. Long, hard work-out, S’s ts
bobbing, J gripping her buttocks. Again S gives
herself almost private o before collapsing,
perspiring heavily. J rings bell, young brunette
brings towels, wipes S - ts and between legs.
Later, girl summoned again. J tells her remove
my dress. Girl smiles, complies, turns me for S
and J to observe, eases me forward to show
knickers stretched over a. S and J make
approving sounds.
Four p.m. They f once more, another o for S -
this time with shudders and deep breathing.
Incredibly, J still seems not to have come. My
own need barely controllable.
Brunette returns, S arranges herself across J’s
lap, arms hanging down. Girl takes silk ribbons,
ties both wrists to J’s ankle. Girl then moves
round, grasps S’s ankles, spreads them, kneels
between them. J opens S’s ah with both hands on
buttocks, girl licks, moistens sphincter,
inserts pointed tongue. S ecstatic, no longer
silent, demanding more. Girl pauses, J slaps
several times, harder now. Girl resumes, two
fingers in S’s c, tongue again in ah, J reaches
under S, apparently finds cl; together they
bring her off magnificently. Girl unties
ribbons, wipes S and retires.
Five p.m. My turn at last. S places me on my
back on sofa, tests wetness, not disappointed -
knickers already soaking. J removes my bra,
slaps my ts gently - always good for me. Puts
his c in my mouth, filling me, starts fucking
motion, close lips round knob to prevent gagging
on huge length. Feel S move knickers aside,
fingering my c, lapping my cl. Week-long
build-up plus five hours voyeurism take effect.
Reaching for much-needed o, J and S both stop.
My hand goes for my c but J stops me. They watch
me panting. I beg for release. J handles his p,
S fingers herself, both smile down. Not yet.
Next I receive S’s treatment, silk ribbons,
spanking, tongue and then finger in ah. Wriggle
with pleasure but still more desperate for o.
They understand, stop again. We continue. J
fucks me doggie, finger in my ah. S produces
strap-on, fucks me missionary, J slaps my ts,
pinches nipples. Nearly bursting now, pleading.
They agree time has come. As previous sessions,
S kneels, J mounts her from rear, I take off
knickers, sit on sofa, spread legs, lick
fingers, attack throbbing cl and erupt. J stops
driving into S, withdraws, stands, shoots all
over my face and ts. Feels like biggest o ever.
We finish another bottle of wine and play again,
every combination, every position, S and I
multiple os, at finish J manages another stream
into S’s mouth while I push discarded strap-on
into my c, give myself one last o.
[There is, of course, much more. It took me a
long time to come to terms with what at first
seemed the debauchery, indeed the depravity, to
which my mother descended. But I finally came to
believe that our individual sexuality is our own
to resolve to our own satisfaction as long as we
harm ho one. My mother, I think, achieved that.
I still cannot decide whether the diaries should
be published to portray my mother, the famous
author, in the round. For the present I have
decided to allow a decade from her death to
elapse and consider again.
Meanwhile, before the diaries were consigned to
a bank strong box, I showed them to my husband.
We read them together over a period of several
months, with the predictable effect - and more.
I always wear black knickers for our sex
sessions, and we have been experimenting with
spanking. From beyond the grave, my mother has
added something to my sexual development, after
all.
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